The One With All The Dead Guys
by Dracobolt
Summary: Death isn't always serious business. Sometimes it's downright hilarious. As these stories show, murder is the spice of life! [Complete]
1. Snack Time With Dullahan

**Disclaimer:** Golden Sun and The Lost Age are property of Nintendo and Camelot. Fruit Pie the Magician is property of Hostess.

Special thanks go to Lachesis at the Temple of Kraden for inspiring me to write this. Nom nom nom.

* * *

The dark energy of True Collide surged from Dullahan's outstretched palm and enveloped the blonde boy in its smothering grip. The Venus Adept let out a muted cry as the energy was drained from his body, and when the dark energy left him, he fell to the ground, completely spent. 

As the boy's energy reinvigorated him, Dullahan surveyed the chamber. All eight of his challengers lay scattered about. Both Wind Adepts had fallen to his Formina Sage, and the brown-haired girl lay crumpled in a heap where Charon had dropped her. He'd decapitated the boy with the tall hair, and the blue-haired healer girl he'd stabbed through the chest. True Collide had defeated both his last opponent and the blue-haired man, and he'd Condemned the other Venus Adept to death.

"You fought well," Dullahan told his lifeless opponents. "Very few of you mortals have ever given me a real challenge, and you came to closest to defeating me that anyone ever has. I will not soon forget this battle."

Dullahan continued to gaze at the carnage. Soon he would have to clean up his small cavern.

"But first..." said the headless knight, "some tasty refreshments to celebrate my victory!"

"That's right, Dullahan!" said Fruit Pie the Magician, appearing from nowhere in the middle of Anemos Sanctum. With his top hat, cape, and magic wand, the advertising icon looked severely out of place in the blood-stained chamber.

"Why, Fruit Pie the Magician!" Dullahan cried in delight. "Are you here to tell me about the fruity deliciousness in every bite of a Hostess fruit pie?"

"I sure am," said Fruit Pie the Magician. He whipped his hat off his head and held it out. When Dullahan looked inside, it was brimming with various flavors of brightly-packaged Hostess fruit pies.

"Golly!" exclaimed Dullahan. "How can I choose?"

"Each flavor of Hostess fruit pie is filled with a different fruity taste," chirped Fruit Pie the Magician. "Why don't you try good old apple?"

Dullahan plucked an apple-flavored fruit pie from the top hat. "It looks delicious," he said, unwrapping the treat with uncommon delicacy.

"Go on, take a bite," encouraged Fruit Pie the Magician.

Dullahan pulled the fruit pie from its wrapping and dropped the pie into the neck of his armor. "Nom nom nom," came the sound of processing food from inside the chest of Dullahan's armor. "Nom no- Ugh! Uh..." Dullahan's hands shot to the neck of his armor and reached inside, feeling around for the fruit pie that was blocking his airway (or other breathing aperture).

"Is something wrong, Dullahan?" asked Fruit Pie the Magician. Dullahan waved his arms wildly. Fruit Pie the Magician stood looking on, beaming all the while as Dullahan staggered around his lair, trying to dislodge the lethal fruit pie.

Finally, Dullahan banged into a wall. He fell over onto his back and writhed around a bit until he went limp. Fruit Pie the Magician went over to Dullahan and banged on the chest of his armor. The deadly fruit pie rolled out the neck of the armor, covered in some sort of bodily fluid that was probably equivalent to saliva in a giant, anthropomorphic suit of armor.

Fruit Pie the Magician looked around the chamber. Besides the recently deceased Dullahan, there were eight slightly-less-recently deceased humans. The situation was decidedly awkward.

Fruit Pie the Magician then noticed Dullahan's sword leaning up against the wall. The anthropomorphic fruit pie picked it and gave it a few experimental swings and then grinned. Fruit Pie the Magician liked how the sword felt in his grip. He let out a decidedly malevolent laugh.

"No longer am I Fruit Pie the Magician," Fruit Pie said, pulling some armor off of Ivan's corpse and strapping it on himself. "Instead," he said, taking Isaac's bloodstained scarf and wrapping it around the lower half of his face, "I am Fruit Pie the Avenger, harbinger of doom!" He raised the sword and teleported outside of the Sanctum. "And those bitches at Hostess had better watch out! I'll show you for retiring me!"

And so a new age dawned on Weyard.


	2. Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies

**Disclaimer: Golden Sun is property of Nintendo and Camelot.**

This pokes fun at Mudshipping. I like the pairing, but sometimes fics get a little too soppy. This chapter is dedicated to all those people whose fics made me giggle from cheesy, over-the-top romance.

* * *

Once upon a midnight dreary, As I authored weak and weary,  
I decided, "You know what? Screw it. Rocks fall, and everyone dies."

.'.".".'.

It was your typical evening on the Lemurian ship. Ivan and Garet were off doing something like, I don't know, looking at porn or having a Tupperware party. Whatever. The point is, they were out of the way so that Isaac and Mia could have a sweet and romantic heart to heart talk.

The stars glittered in the night sky, which looked like a black velvet tapestry studded with diamonds, and the moon hung like a big luminescent pierogi. Mia stood at the railing of the ship, deep in thought.

Like a ninja, Isaac sidled up next to her. "Whatcha thinking about?" he inquired softly.

Mia had been wondering how much longer she'd have to wait before they got to a city with a decent day spa. She was in desperate need of some pampering; she was still finding sand from the Suhalla in the most unlikely places. However, she mentioned none of this to Isaac, instead going with, "Our quest." It sounded a lot deeper than "When am I going to be able to get a decent bikini wax?"

"Oh." Isaac was silent. Then he ventured on. "So, uh, you look really pretty."

And this in spite of the lack of spa treatment. Mia smiled. "Thanks."

"And um, well, you're really swell and nice and smart and junk," Isaac continued, blushing scarlet. He stared into the ocean and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. "And the way I figure it, Jenna's always been insatiable, so she's probably not gonna wait for me, so you wanna go steady?"

"Oh, Isaac..." Mia said, also blushing. She'd been waiting for this day for a long time. Seriously. Every night she'd come up on deck and pose wistfully at the railing in typical Mudshipping fashion, hoping that the Venus Adept would get the balls to approach her. Now that he finally had grown a pair, Mia wasted no time in telling him, "Sure, I'd love to!"

"Awesome!" Isaac said. He tugged his scarf loose. "Well, uh, I don't have a class ring or anything to give you, so you can have my scarf instead."

"Oh, er, thanks," Mia said, hoping that she could get around wearing it places. It would really clash with her outfit.

"So, uh..." Isaac said, sounding even more nervous than before. He met Mia's eyes.

"Yes?" she said in barely more than a whisper.

"Mia..." Isaac said as they leaned in for a kiss.

Just then, an authorial voice sounded from the sky. "You know what? Screw it. Rocks fall, and everyone dies."

"What?!" the lovers exclaimed, horrified.

"ROCKS FALL. EVERYONE DIES." And lo, rocks did rain down from the sky (in the middle of the ocean, no less), crushing Isaac and Mia beneath a heap of boulders. Their hands were uncovered, however, and in death, they clasped hands, together even at the end. Surprisingly, the ship didn't sink.

Having heard the authorial pronouncement, Ivan and Garet rushed onto the deck.

"Isaac! Mia!" Ivan cried, rushing over to the dead couple and feeling their wrists for signs of life. "They're dead!" he told Garet.

"Hm..." Garet consulted a clipboard. "So I guess I should take off Isaac's order for a cake transporter."


	3. Gary Potter and the Deathly Hallows

**Disclaimer: **Golden Sun belongs to Nintendo and Camelot. Harry Potter is property of J.K. Rowling.

Special thanks go to Eric, with a nod to Werebarret.

WARNING: SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE! ALSO, SPOILERS FOR DEATHLY HALLOWS, ZOL.

* * *

"Four! ... Three! ... Two! ... One!" At the stroke of midnight, the Vale Walmart erupted into cheers of unrestrained glee. Employees tore open boxes of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and the eager fans surged to the cash registers to buy their books. Sheba and Ivan bought theirs one right after the other, and they exited the store chatting excitedly about what they thought was going to happen. 

Garet was waiting outside, smoking a cigarette. When he saw the two Jupiter Adepts coming out, he dropped the cigarette and ground it out with the toe of his boot. He approached them and said, "Harry's the final Horcrux. Also, Fred dies."

Ivan and Sheba stared. Their books slipped from their grasps. "Noooo..." Sheba moaned, sinking to her knees. "Why, Garet? I've waited so long! I no longer have any reason to go on." She sobbed as she pulled a switchblade and jammed it into her throat. She emitted a strangled sound as she died, which may have been something along the lines of, "Snape... I'll see you... on the... astral plane..." She fell forward, glassy-eyed, onto her copy of Deathly Hallows.

Ivan glared at Garet in horror. "You drove Sheba to suicide!" he shouted. "And worse, you spoiled the final book. Garet, I swear I will hunt you down and kill you!" Lightning crackled at Ivan's fingertips, giving him an unearthly glow as he stalked toward Garet. Garet coolly stared him down, then darted forward, kicked Ivan in the face, and ran like the blazes.

.'.".".'.

"Wow, I can't believe that Dobby died like that," Mia said to Jenna as the two girls sat in Jenna's living room, reading Deathly Hallows together. "What a noble end for the little guy."

"Yeah, and poor Luna, being held prisoner like that," Jenna added. "She's hardcore. I wonder how they're going to get to the Horcrux in Gringotts, though."

"About that," Garet said, popping his head into the room. "Griphook helps them. They get Helga Hufflepuff's cup and fly out on the Gringotts guard dragon."

"Garet!" Jenna exclaimed, her face flushed and eyes flashing. "Get out of here! We don't want spoilers."

"Oh," said Garet, stepping fully into the room and nonchalantly examining his nails. "So I suppose I shouldn't tell you that Harry dies in the end because he's a Horcrux too."

"You're lying," Mia said, pale-faced and wide-eyed.

"He is!" exclaimed Piers, bursting into the room. "Due to my superior Lemurian reading skills, I finished the seventh book in fifty-three minutes, and while Lupin and Tonks may die inglorious off-screen deaths, Harry ends up staying alive and marrying Ginny."

Mia let out a furious growl. A ball of flames appeared in Jenna's hand.

"Well, don't let me keep you from your reading," Garet said. He shoved Piers into the room and dashed away.

.'.".".'.

"It's such a shame about Piers," Isaac said to Garet as they stood at the grave site. "I still can't believe that Mia and Jenna ended up murdering him! That's... that's just..." He shook his head, unable to find words to describe his disgust. "I can't believe that they would do something like that. I thought they were better than that."

"I know," Garet said. "I mean, all he did was tell them that Lupin and Tonks die."

"What?" Isaac asked.

"I know, silly, right?" Garet said with a laugh. Isaac let out a low growl, a lethal glint in his eyes. "Uh... You did finish the book, right, Isaac?"

Isaac lunged at Garet, causing them both to fall into the unfilled grave. One of the onlookers let out a shriek, and the whole assembly fell into pandemonium. Felix leapt into action. He used his Psynergy to fill in the grave.

"Felix, what are you doing?" Kay cried, tugging at his arm. "You're burying my brother alive!"

"He spoiled book seven for one person too many," Felix said. "I did what I needed to."

"Oh, well, that's all right," Kay said, letting go of his arm. "But, uh, what about Isaac?"

"I just never liked him much," Felix said. "He stole the spotlight from me too often."

"Oh, Felix," said Kay. "You're so incredibly handsome and rugged and manly and sexy! Drag me off to your bedroom and have your wicked way with me!"

"Well, if you insist," Felix said with a smirk.

.'.".".'.

"Hey, Felix?" Felix's eyes snapped open when he heard Garet's voice.

"Huh? Yeah?" He yawned. "What is it, Garet?"

"Dude, you fell asleep in cookware," Garet said, helping Felix to his feet. Felix looked around. He had, sure enough, dozed off in the secluded aisle in Vale's Walmart.

Felix groaned. "Tell me I didn't miss the book."

"Nah, Kay's holding our place in line," Garet said. "You know, you could have picked the bedding section for a better place to catch a nap."

"True," Felix admitted. He grabbed Garet's coffee out of his hand and took a swig. "All right, let's get back in line."

As they headed to the section of the store where hopeful readers were waiting to buy their copies of Deathly Hallows, Garet asked, "So what was that you were mumbling while you were asleep? Something about my sister?"


	4. Falling Even More In Love

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Golden Sun; Nintendo and Camelot do.

* * *

It was a balmy summer's night, and Isaac and Jenna were sitting on a hill overlooking Vale. The sky was clear, and a full moon brilliantly illuminated the countryside. Isaac and Jenna were snuggled close to each other, content to be together.

"I love you, Jenna," Isaac whispered into her ear.

Jenna frowned and moved away from Isaac. "You keep saying that, Isaac, and I'd like to believe you, but I'm just not sure I can."

"What?" Isaac asked, alarmed. "Why?" He grabbed Jenna's hand and looked her in the eyes. "Jenna, you know I love you. I'll do anything to prove my love. What can I do to make you realize I'm sincere?"

"Jump off a lighthouse," Jenna said.

"What?" Isaac asked, dropping her hand.

"Well, think about it," she said. "Felix and Sheba are dating now, right? He jumped off Venus Lighthouse after her. And Garet jumped off Jupiter Lighthouse to help Mia, and now they're together, too." Jenna crossed her arms and eyed Isaac critically. "Frankly, I have to wonder about your committment."

Isaac stared at her, but Jenna just coolly returned his gaze. Finally, Isaac sighed. "Fine. If I jump off a lighthouse, will you believe I'm in love with you?"

"Uh huh!" Jenna said. She snuggled back up next to Isaac, who held her as they gazed at the stars. Isaac's mind, however, was not at peace. He was wondering just what he'd gotten himself into.

.'.".".'.

Isaac stood atop Mercury Lighthouse, eying the edge of the aerie dubiously. "Jenna, have you considered what's going to happen after we jump?"

"Isaac, you'll be fine," Jenna said, her breath forming little clouds as she spoke. "Felix survived the fall from Venus Lighthouse, and he was only, what, level five at that point? You're level fifty-two; you'll be able to hit the ground and come away with HP to spare."

"Yeah, well, what about you?" Isaac asked. "You have less HP than I do."

Jenna did a double-take. "Me? Why does my HP matter? You're the one jumping."

"You have to jump, too, Jenna," Mia said. She and the other Adepts were there, too. "After all, what reason does Isaac have to jump if he's not doing it to save you?"

"Well, he's proving he loves me!" Jenna spluttered.

"That's not how it works," Sheba said. "You have to fall so that Isaac can leap selflessly after you, risking his life on the faint chance that he may somehow be able to save you."

"Something tells me she didn't think this through," Felix commented, noting the look of growing horror on Jenna's face.

"Well, there's plenty of snow at the bottom of the lighthouse," Piers said. "Just aim for that."

"If you back out, we won't think any less of you," Ivan said.

"Yeah, no one will tease you," Garet added, crossing his fingers behind his back.

"Whoa, hold on," Isaac said, moving away from the edge of the lighthouse and approaching Jenna. "You can't just drag me up here, pressure me into jumping, and then back out when you find out you have to jump, too. We're both going through with this - or don't you love me, Jenna?" he asked sarcastically.

Isaac stared her down. Jenna began to fidget under his gaze. She stepped away from her disappointed boyfriend. Isaac closed the gap. Jenna edged away again, but Isaac stepped close again. Before she knew it, Jenna was standing at the edge of the aerie.

"Are you going to jump, Jenna?" Isaac asked softly. "Or am I going to have to make you?"

Jenna cast a pleading glance at the other Adepts, but they seemed frozen, unable to comprehend what was going on. Looking back at Isaac, Jenna saw that his eyes were like ice. "Th-this... this is madness!" she stammered.

"Madness?" Isaac echoed. "This is Weyard!" In one lithe movement, he stepped back, raised his foot, and kicked Jenna in the chest, sending her tumbling off the lighthouse with a drawn-out shriek.

"You just kicked my sister!" Felix shouted. He snapped out of his daze and bolted at Isaac, but before he could reach the other Venus Adept, Isaac had dove off the lighthouse himself.

Felix stopped in his tracks and glanced at the others. They shrugged. Felix nodded towards the floating elevator that would take them all to the bottom of the lighthouse, and without a word the group headed down to the ground.

When they reached the bottom, the six Adepts ran to the bodies of Isaac and Jenna. Felix knelt next to his sister, cradling her head in his lap.

"Fe- Felix..." Jenna gasped, blood dribbling down her chin.

"Yes?" Felix asked. "I'm here, Jen."

"V- Valeshipping... is... ca- canon," she groaned. Jenna coughed once more, spattering blood, and then her eyes closed and her body went limp. Felix shook with silent sobs.

Meanwhile, Garet was talking to Isaac. "You're gonna be okay, man," Garet said. He glanced at the lighthouse. "Mia'll get you guys Hermes' Water, and-"

"Garet," Isaac whispered, cutting is friend off.

"Yeah?"

"I... Rosebud..." Isaac let out a final breath and grew still.

"You know, in hindsight, going along with this was really pretty stupid," Sheba said.

"I guess the moral of the story is that engaging in death-defying behavior is only practical during cutscenes," Ivan said.

"That's a pretty sucky moral," Garet said.

"It is, isn't it?" Mia said. "Well, what are you going to do?"

"Go play Halo?" Piers suggested.

"Sounds good," Felix said. And so the Adepts went home and played Halo.

The end.

(P.S. - The real moral of the story is that jumping off a tall structure is a really stupid way of showing you love someone. What, flowers and a nice card aren't good enough for you?)


End file.
